I agree. It is best to embrace reality, however hard and traumatic it is. We learn not only who we are, but realize who we can be. A decade ago I went through three losses - my consulting practice ended; I was fired from the nonprofit organization that I led; and, my marriage of 30 years ended. All this took place in the span of about 18-20 months. It wasn’t traumatic. It was hard. I was almost 60 years old, born into families where most members live into their nineties. So, I decided to start over. I didn’t blame anyone. I took responsibility for my life. I talk with people everyday who are faced with hardship and self-doubt. The key is helping them find some inner resource that can help them face the real world. Thank you for writing about this aspect of human life that touches many people.
I used to work with a painter who had mental illness and then got it managed with medication . She was adamant that the trauma of mental illness did not benefit her art .. that her art was a consequence of her healthy mind , not disease . As a person who has lived in all kinds of weird abuse , I had to contemplate where my creative energy comes from - and it does not come from being tortured - never . Nothing good comes from abuse , and abuse does not create strength . I watched a guy testify about his conversion to believing in Christ - he asked god “ why did I have to go through that horror show “ and god said to him “ I can use that “ but I noticed god did not say “ that was good for you “ or “ you can use that “ god took it all on his watch . Distancing myself from bad behavior - my dog who always needs to pull just 4 more inches no matter what .. finally I took his leash off . Talk to him , tell him he’s doing well . I detached from what actually was abuse from his end . I’m the same person I was - leash or no leash . I still want him safe and mannerly .
You would be the same person without the abuse , you just wouldn’t have had to sort so much out . Problem is , not everyone gets it sorted out - and that is when the abuse has another go round . To me the question is not “what did it do to me” but “ am I repeating anything of the kind ?”
Very thought provoking article, as usual. I tend to agree. I wonder if there is some middle ground - if instead of protecting kids from trauma by coddling them, and shielding them from challenges, suffering and hardship, we protected them from being traumatized by life events by giving them the tools to be more resilient, able to cope, and be independent? While I don't for one minute wish my trauma, and what it eventually did for me, away, I do wonder what if I had been given the tools I've learned since at a much earlier age.
Hey Gary, thanks for your comments, always appreciated. I mean, just to be clear, I'm not presenting a case that trauma is "good" in any way. Or that we shouldn't seek to make childhood less traumatic.
Rather, I'm presenting a couple of points relating to making childhood less traumatic...
1. That the desire to do so may be proceeding from unexamined assumptions about what makes people's lives happy, meaningful and deeply fulfilled.
2. That the attempt to do so may of itself be simply a personal avoidance strategy,
I see huge movements in our world to 'make life better.' It all looks very worthy and well-intentioned on the surface. But it concerns me that it is actually an attempt to mechanise aspects of life which cannot easily be mechanised. We can't really correlate meaningfully 'how the world around us' is to how much deep fulfillment we get from it.
Hi Rachel, an example would be the way that perhaps the UN might try to assess standards of living for citizens of different countries. Whilst on the surface it's okay, and interesting, the tendency is to reinforce the perspective that life's meaning is directly correlated to external circumstances. These metrics play to the tendencies of left brain dominant people.
You can end up with a world where, according to gov statistics, everyone is happy and yet actually no one is happy!
I agree. It is best to embrace reality, however hard and traumatic it is. We learn not only who we are, but realize who we can be. A decade ago I went through three losses - my consulting practice ended; I was fired from the nonprofit organization that I led; and, my marriage of 30 years ended. All this took place in the span of about 18-20 months. It wasn’t traumatic. It was hard. I was almost 60 years old, born into families where most members live into their nineties. So, I decided to start over. I didn’t blame anyone. I took responsibility for my life. I talk with people everyday who are faced with hardship and self-doubt. The key is helping them find some inner resource that can help them face the real world. Thank you for writing about this aspect of human life that touches many people.
Thank you, Ed
If you keep writing, I’ll keep reading. Thanks to you, too.
This is my favourite article you have written. Amazing piece.
"Uncovering trauma to improve social functioning - the route most people have into therapy - does create people who have depth".
This gives a meaning to a path of self exploration, to say the least.
Thanks for taking the time to write this.
I used to work with a painter who had mental illness and then got it managed with medication . She was adamant that the trauma of mental illness did not benefit her art .. that her art was a consequence of her healthy mind , not disease . As a person who has lived in all kinds of weird abuse , I had to contemplate where my creative energy comes from - and it does not come from being tortured - never . Nothing good comes from abuse , and abuse does not create strength . I watched a guy testify about his conversion to believing in Christ - he asked god “ why did I have to go through that horror show “ and god said to him “ I can use that “ but I noticed god did not say “ that was good for you “ or “ you can use that “ god took it all on his watch . Distancing myself from bad behavior - my dog who always needs to pull just 4 more inches no matter what .. finally I took his leash off . Talk to him , tell him he’s doing well . I detached from what actually was abuse from his end . I’m the same person I was - leash or no leash . I still want him safe and mannerly .
You would be the same person without the abuse , you just wouldn’t have had to sort so much out . Problem is , not everyone gets it sorted out - and that is when the abuse has another go round . To me the question is not “what did it do to me” but “ am I repeating anything of the kind ?”
Very thought provoking article, as usual. I tend to agree. I wonder if there is some middle ground - if instead of protecting kids from trauma by coddling them, and shielding them from challenges, suffering and hardship, we protected them from being traumatized by life events by giving them the tools to be more resilient, able to cope, and be independent? While I don't for one minute wish my trauma, and what it eventually did for me, away, I do wonder what if I had been given the tools I've learned since at a much earlier age.
Hey Gary, thanks for your comments, always appreciated. I mean, just to be clear, I'm not presenting a case that trauma is "good" in any way. Or that we shouldn't seek to make childhood less traumatic.
Rather, I'm presenting a couple of points relating to making childhood less traumatic...
1. That the desire to do so may be proceeding from unexamined assumptions about what makes people's lives happy, meaningful and deeply fulfilled.
2. That the attempt to do so may of itself be simply a personal avoidance strategy,
I see huge movements in our world to 'make life better.' It all looks very worthy and well-intentioned on the surface. But it concerns me that it is actually an attempt to mechanise aspects of life which cannot easily be mechanised. We can't really correlate meaningfully 'how the world around us' is to how much deep fulfillment we get from it.
So interesting, thank you for writing. Could you give an example of movements being an attempt to mechanise aspects of life?
Hi Rachel, an example would be the way that perhaps the UN might try to assess standards of living for citizens of different countries. Whilst on the surface it's okay, and interesting, the tendency is to reinforce the perspective that life's meaning is directly correlated to external circumstances. These metrics play to the tendencies of left brain dominant people.
You can end up with a world where, according to gov statistics, everyone is happy and yet actually no one is happy!