Something that never fails to amaze me about working with the body is that the process just seems to keep on going. Like I have an expectation that you reach a certain age, and that's kind of as far as you go, like things slacken off. But this is not the case for me, despite now being in my sixties. Change continues to happen. Our body is the repository of unfathomable layers of our history and core psychology and if you keep opening it, like a gold mine, it will deliver. Every morning, soon after getting up, I will practice a workout for 40 minutes or so. It's Bioenergetics followed by Reichian Breathwork, plus a few deep Yoga stretches to complete.
My current intention is to carry on loosening the rings of muscular armouring around my head and throat. And each day, I do feel a bit more slipping away. As this happens, I notice how my mood changes. Recently, I've been finding myself more volatile - reacting on situations and just going there without over-worrying. I don't think I've actually upset anyone so far, if anything people seem happy for my immediacy. But I know that I can always go back, apologise and discuss if that should happen.
I understand that I am digging into a certain side of myself - the Endurer - that is afraid of fire, anger and volatility. It wants to play it cool, safe and nice, rather than risk being real and in the moment. This is also a dynamic I see being extensively played out around me, in the world. Signalling oneself as being a caring or nice person as a default rather than really looking "who am I" in such-and-such a situation.
In Europe especially, it seems really strong. Like we're not allowed to be anything other than some nice, caring caricature of ourselves... that we are fundamentally guilty, or bad, and must atone for the past in how we present ourselves today.
Spontaneity is thus seen as the most dangerous thing of all and all our behaviour must be mentally scripted in advance. This whole chasm of human guilt is deep, and it seems so easy to fall in and then end up staying small. I don't see anything wrong with exploring our sense of guilt but if you get stuck there, for sure nothing has been achieved. The challenge is to come through, to stand up, and to be more real.
I don't believe that there is anything fundamentally wrong with humans. Just we need to create an environment where we can deepen as people, rather than one that keeps us scared and locked into survival mode. Let's face facts. This is never going to come from any government, or any vested interest. We have to pull ourselves up and I'm continuing do my bit, as we all can.
This month I've been feeling more happy inside myself here in Tbilisi. Bit by bit, I feel like I'm doing less imagining that there's something outside of myself that I need to be okay. Having a super-Oral side, it seems like it's taken a long time to get to this state, and I have no idea if I will stay this way. I like to acknowledge this impermanence. In the past, on apparently reaching some plateau of high awareness, I would posture that I had achieved something permanent. Now I know... good luck with that one! But the whole travelling thing is attracting me less right now. I remember, when I moved to Osho Leela back in 2002, I had a strong desire to stop floating about and to put down some roots, in order to grow. I ended up living there for 17 years. Maybe that process is restarting, we see.
But I'm very happy that, even in my sixties, deep change can continue to happen within me.
I hope that you are not feeling stuck and that if you should be you can find a way to continue on your journey. The body holds the key.
Devaraj
Might be pertinent: A man without enemies is no man at all. Great line from Tokyo Vice.
Yes, I reminded of Deanna Hansen, developer of fascia decompression techniques, who has been working on her self intensely for 20 years now. She is still finding new layers all the time.