The Power of Being told "No!"

Help with getting mature

I consider myself a very late developer. Even now, at 61, I feel that I have a lot of work still to do on myself. I am very happy that, when I do the work, I can continue to experience deep shifts - that my body hasn’t given up on me yet.

For years I just was a total waster. I dropped out at 21, was a punk-squatter for years, drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol for nearly two decades, took all the usual street drugs, and got involved in crime.

I mean, I learned a lot from my time in the “school of life.” But nevertheless, it’s hard for me to not at times wish that I had woken up a bit earlier. What was it that kept me asleep for all those years?

I couldn’t take a “no.”

I couldn’t accept it. Not from my adoptive father and not from anyone else. This refusal fuelled my ongoing rebellion for decades. I just wasn’t going to be told. I wasn’t going to accept boundaries from any authority figure. They could say what they liked. I was going to do my own thing, regardless of what I had to sacrifice.

It wasn’t until I was nearly 40 that I found that I could accept a “no.” I had started attending workshops run by therapists from the Osho scene. I recognised some genuinely strong leaders there. But it wasn’t physical strength that they had. Rather this strange kind-of energetic strength and I found myself naturally looking up to them.

Sometimes my behaviour in the group room, or during the breaks between sessions, was not acceptable. I remember one leader calling me over and telling me “No, that’s not okay!” Simple and clear, no charge in his voice. I could feel my mind rebelling and saying **** you! But there was something in his clarity that caused me to take him in. He wasn’t playing any kind of power game. He was just stating a boundary. And I found that I could take it. I was even grateful for it. Finally, I’d found an authority figure I could respect!

I soon realised that boundaries actually helped me to grow. I got clearer internally. I began to develop and mature. Yes, I needed to also express a lot of the feelings that were repressed inside of me. But boundaries were a big thing too.

Seeking freedom in natural for kids. But being able to take a “no” can send us on a deep, inner journey - filled with emotions - where we come out more mature.

I refused to take a “no” for decades because I didn’t like how it was delivered. I reacted to perceived power games. And, yes, the authority figures in my life could have done things better. But, obsessively seeking freedom from authority also kept me mentally and emotionally as a child when physically I was getting older and older.

Of course, there are some people who simply collapse in the face of authority. They become compliant and barely rebel even on the inside, where no one can see. These guys need to learn to rebel, to find a way to access all that repressed anger. Once they’ve got in touch with it, then they too can sublimate their anger to become more mature.

If enough people do this work, which is deep and challenging, then our whole society becomes pulled up. Natural leaders, natural hierarchies and natural respect begin to flourish.

That sounds like a good idea to me.

Devaraj