Stealing the Self-Esteem of Other Men

Istanbul Diaries #2

One of the things that I really appreciate about the part of Istanbul that I live in is that I can go swimming in the sea. I mean, strictly speaking, it’s not really “the sea,” rather a 2km wide channel that stretches from the Black Sea down to the Marmara, commonly known as the “Boğaz” or in English, the Bosphorus. But it feels like the sea.

I found the swimming place in Kuzguncuk one Sunday back in the summer and have been a regular visitor there ever since. In those days, some fifty to a hundred local guys would gather to swim, hang out and drink beer. Now, at the end of November, it’s just me swimming, with a handful of locals still hanging and drinking.

The guys there seem to think I’m either crazy or Russian, the latter presumably because they imagine all Russians spend the winter bathing in the Volga. The thing that I notice is that I get off on the attention. Like I could perhaps just get a large dustbin, stick it on my patio and fill it with water. It would be the same temperature as the sea. But that doesn’t feel so appealing.

I go down most days around lunchtime, take off my clothes and dive off the slippery ledge into the water. They regale me in Turkish not to do it, that I will freeze, making gestures of shaking in extreme cold. I do it anyway and shout from the water that it’s really warm and they should get in too. They watch me for a minute and then return to boozing and hanging.

I feel like I steal a little self-esteem from them by this activity and it gives me an ego-boost. Like I’m the crazy tough guy who can just hack shit like this. While they can’t. I don’t know if they are actually palpably diminished in any way. But it feels like I’m risen. I have been thinking about this.

Like how much of the good feeling is from the experience of cold water swimming and how much is from the ego boost of doing shit that others guy won’t, in front of them?

Meanwhile, I see myself doing similar with purely mental behaviours. I want to prove myself to be more intelligent or aware than other men on social media. I want to prove to other men that I have had more extreme experiences in my life, or that I can cope with more extreme topics than they can.

I heard a new term today - narcissistic supply. I’m not sure if it’s exactly what I’m talking about here but it seems to be similar at least. The thing I noticed was that I was happy to hear the term because I had been thinking about this whole side of my behaviour for a while. Sometimes, when I become aware of an unconscious negative thing I’m doing, I’m more shocked and scared. Like I feel uncovered. But with this one it feels like I’ve been busy with it for a while.

David Goggins, the ultra-athlete guy in the States, talks about “taking souls.” I recall him describing being on a Navy Seals extreme weeklong and finding ways to prove that he could beat the instructors themselves at the set tasks, that he could outlast even them and leave them feeling shit. Like he could palpably extract some element of their life-force from them. I see it more like stealing self-esteem.

But is this behaviour bad? I find that an interesting question.

I think with the mental, online behaviours I could just drop them. I don’t see any redeeming aspects. It’s competitive behaviour but it has no actual physical aspect to it. It’s just typing stuff on social media and I could say anything, regardless of its truth.

But with the physical activities, like the cold water swimming, I see it as more complex. For two reasons.

Firstly, I do enjoy the activity. I confront the voice in my head that just wants to wiggle out of it and take things easy. That is clearly valuable. I also like the “bite” of the cold as I dive in, unprepared. I enjoy having to breathe my way through until that wave of relaxation kicks in. All of these things I could get from a dustbin of water on my patio. But I do also like doing it in the sea, being immersed in the energy of raw nature with the Istanbul skyline in the background. Plus having to monitor the current and constantly check that I’m safe.

Secondly, it seems to me that without challenge humanity would barely have covered any ground from the time when we were chimps. Individuals who have sought excellence, who have kept going when everyone else gave up, have come to define human development. One person steps up and makes it and others can follow in their wake. David Goggins himself has inspired a generation of young men especially to not give up and to keep going.

So all this stuff is clearly complex. And I don’t have a full grasp on it. But I know that I would still go cold swimming if no one was watching. Walking down there, I don’t know if anyone else will be there. But if they are I’ll also get my little ego-boost.