Istanbul Diaries #3 - Man vs Woman
Author’s note: My ongoing Istanbul Diaries series contains edgy reflections on sexuality and swearing.
Men will fuck anything. We have predatory opportunism fitted as standard. And woe betide any woman who tries to kid herself otherwise. In my opinion, it’s way better to work around a real model of the world, than it is to dwell in delusion.
If your man isn’t “this type,” it will be because he’s very high in either Oral or Endurer character type. Feel free to corroborate this by getting him to complete my online character structure quiz.
Orals didn’t get enough connection with their mothers aged 0-1 and will basically do anything, or be anyone, to get or maintain connection as adults. Whereas the nervous system of the Endurer blocked off their access to extrovert self-expression aged 2 and left them terrified of being spontaneous. Both will frequently make use of their blocked nature to try and make out that they’re not like “other guys.” But, in reality, more than anything they dream of being like other guys.
Back on the dancefloor, where I left #1 in this series, there are two Dutch women. One is attractive and she is accompanied by her somewhat overweight friend. I find them intriguing because the pretty one seems really pissed off with men. I think she actually goes out clubbing simply to get some kind of payback on guys who hit on women, not unlike the lead in this female revenge movie from a couple of years back.
About every five minutes, a guy will slide over towards them and dance nearby for a minute or so before trying to make conversation. The braver guys try with the pretty one. Others with the overweight friend. What she does when this happens is to kind of imitate their dancing in a manner clearly intended to ridicule them, before dismissing them laughingly when they try to speak to her. I’m aware that I would like to confront her on this behaviour but don’t. Partly because I am too scared. But also because I hate people trying to talk to me when I’m dancing. When my body feels open, I am often hyper-sensitive to a sense of invasion. So I feel bad about interrupting people while dancing.
Women are pissed off with men. This seems clear. There are all these “us vs them” type dramas going on in our world. But somewhere underneath it all, I suspect that it’s still Woman vs Man.
Women who seek to create a society where women are either on top or on equal terms have eternally faced one huge challenge. The average man is physically larger and stronger than the average woman. Thus, if the social order is based around the family unit - one man, one woman, plus kids - women are invariably going to end up living in a patriachy.
To create a more matriarchal society, women will have to exploit the classic weaknesses in the male psyche. There are two:
men love predatory opportunistic sex
older men will do pretty much anything to have sex with younger women
Thus, in a large communal setting, older women seeking to maintain a matriarcy will need to engender younger women into “exploring their sexuality” and basically fuck around. By anaesthetising man’s desire for power in this manner, whilst simultaneously weakening the nuclear family structure, a functional long-term matriarchy can be achieved.
Ask the average man if he would willingly give up power and he will reply “Hell no!” Ask the average man if he would willingly give up power if he could have heaps of casual sex with younger women and you will see him weighing the pros and cons in an interested manner.
There may be a way to establish a matriarchy without getting the younger women to fuck around. But I haven’t heard of it yet.
The attractive red-headed Dutch woman, however, seems clearly not busy with all this. She is content getting her hits of payback against men every five minutes. And when she has worked her way through most of the guys, she and her friend leave, presumably to continue their mission at the club up the road. I have a sense that her overweight friend wouldn’t mind a bit of actual action. But if you choose the role of the less attractive friend, whether male or female, that isn’t how it works. I may also be mistaken in my assessment of her, merely following pre-established biases.
Are we condemned to be forever enmired in all this Man vs Woman stuff? Is there no possibility of transcendence? What about the fabled “secure” personality type of attachment theory? You know, the person who didn’t have any childhood trauma who is simply attracted to a suitable mate, bonds and is happy. Does the “secure” type actually exist?
I mean, who knows? But I am sceptical. Psychology is very feminine. (Cog Sci very masculine). And I suspect that the “secure” personality type was conjured up because the early version of the theory - codependency - didn’t have a “good one” - a healthy outcome that one might aspire to. Both types were negative.
Men seem to be able to handle everything-is-fucked type theories - ones that don’t have a “good one” - better than women. I’m not sure why this is. But it does seem evident and I suspect that it is frequently used as a weapon in the ongoing Man vs Woman war. “Sorry, babe. But that’s just how life is. You can cry on my shoulder if you like.” Anyway, psychology being feminine, the codependency theory needed to be superseded by a version with a good one. And so attachment theory rocked up.
The possibly mythical “secure type” regardless, what I do however know is that you aren’t getting any transcendence without first getting personally engaged with the whole Man vs Woman conflict. Think you can mentally model a way of being that avoids this conflict and that makes you look like you’re happy? Nope. You’re just wasting time. Time that would be better spent getting completely fucked-up in inappropriate love relationships, entangled with partners who you somewhere know are not suitable but whom you can’t help being attracted to.
Being willing to get completely fucked-up is important. This I feel confident in asserting. I mean, how can you expect to get anything from life if you’ve always been averse to getting completely fucked-up? If you’ve always maintained control? That seems self-evident to me. Not to go out and seek it. But not to avoid it. To accept the risk. Because with this attitude we can come to honestly know ourselves, as opposed to simply trying to live up to an internalized ideal of who we should be.
In one of those bizarre synchronicities that seem commonplace at two in the morning when drunk, I hear Stevie Nicks’ remixed voice playing over the club sound system.
Players only love you when they're playing
They say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
I hope that I will know when the rain has washed me clean.
At a party - a big big party , at the end , it was a group of about 12 women on the dance floor , only women , around which a few men , I wasn't counting , was watching us dance .
This was a new feeling - and it made a lot more sense to me , than the usual game . I recently came to the conclusion that women should be picking the men , not the other way around - rather I should say picking out the man , the one she wants . The deal is , god bless the child who knows his father's name -- and the reason why is the whole name of the father is required as the child by nature knows his mom , but unless he has the name of the father , there can be genetic inbreeding that results in problematic diseases and retardation . This became a courtesy where the female only then wanted a male who would take credit for the child she bears , so that his name could be attached to the child . This is required in a close community , or else the other option is a lot of sending away and trading of members of the tribe , to keep the gene pool well bred . So these traditions , the mother gets the baby , the baby gets the father's name , also got twisted when the land got the fathers name as well , and the mother gave up the baby for adoption or wet nursing . And so on , until you are dancing in a disco terming females by hair color and body fat level , analyzing dopamine and oxytocin release - and tribal status .
So what happens when 12 women dance , and the men sit around and watch ?
That evening , a man wanted to do ballroom dance , which he and I did , and it actually felt aggressive , I was supposed to be passive , and get spun and pulled and pushed by him , and make it look like this was somehow enjoyable . It was NOT enjoyable . He could have thrown my balance and left me breaking an arm to break my fall .
I guess to say what happens is that it was fun - this big floor of moving women on it , safe and plenty of space - it was not about sex at all , and it felt like I was creating an energetic bond with a circle of power that I never knew before . I believe that just as the original drummers were women , not men , that the dancing was profound and meaningful in terms of long term survival .
All men want is to fuck younger women. So older women -should curl up and retire. Not even bother, that's a tough message. Where is the role for older women and mature partnerships here, or is that a lie?