5 Steps to Stop Self-Sabotage
We sabotage ourselves when we don’t fully follow-through on plans we have to improve ourselves. Here’s a 5-point plan to help you to break that pattern.
Step 1 - Be Honest with Yourself
There can be a tendency in people to regard self-sabotage like it is some kind of “condition” they have, as opposed to something that they are doing to themselves. Creating a sense of distance in this manner can be comforting. But, because self-sabotage is largely a consciously-mediated process, it’s actually useful to take full responsibility for it.
Low self-esteem is a similar condition to self-sabotage but there is one important difference. Low self-esteem tends to be mediated unconsciously, by our body’s defenses - our nervous system.
However, self-sabotage is more of a conscious behaviour. At a crucial point in any game-plan to improve ourselves, we somehow find a way to check out and thus hijack the whole process. We put things off. We get wasted. We have an accident. Then we beat ourselves up and get into a loop like this.
So, take responsibility for it. Say it loud… “I am self-sabotaging!”
Step 2 - Accept that it’s a Defense
Step 1 points to another vital truth about self-sabotage. It is a defence. And it is a defence against feeling more than we are used to feeling.
When we step up in life, when we achieve more, when we improve our friendships, our work and love life, we inevitably put ourselves onto an emotional roller-coaster. We can no longer easily predict how our life will be, because we are used to existing in a more contracted state - unsatisfying but safe.
Stepping up is scary because we don’t know how our future will look. Meaning we actually need to learn how to lower the sense of fear that an unknown future can bring. And we need to increase our capacity to be comfortable with intense emotionality.
So, accept that you are self-sabotaging because you want to protect yourself from the unknown.
Step 3 - Open Your Body
Fear and emotions reside in our sense of the body. Many of us learned to cope with fear and strong feelings by dissociating from our sense of the body. But, over time, this never works as a strategy.
If we remain dissociated from our sense of the body, we will not have access to this immensely grounding resource that can keep us calm whilst all sorts of storms blow around inside and outside of us.
A mind that is dissociated from the body is like a pyramid standing on its tip. A mind that is embedded in the body is like a pyramid resting on its base. Guess which is the most stable.
So, find out about Bioenergetics, Breathwork (there are many different types), Therapy, Massage, Rolfing - stuff which can help you get back into your body. And develop a daily practise.
Step 4 - Take Risks
This is something that usually works better once you are more grounded in daily practices like Bioenergetics, once you have started to make your sense of the body into your home.
Go out and take risks. Challenge yourself to step up. Talk to people who you wouldn’t usually talk to. Shop for more risque or upmarket clothing. Do stuff that you wouldn’t usually do. Get used to feeling inside how scary a new idea is and deciding if it’s a do-able risk for you right now.
Remember two things about taking more risks:
Stay feeling your body whilst doing it. Many people take big risks but dissociate from what they’re feeling whilst doing so.
Relating to this, it’s better to slowly step up, taking small risks to begin with, before working your way up to bigger risks. Again, so that you can stay present and feel what’s happening.
Step 5 - Create a Network of Support
The nature of creating a better life for ourselves means that sometimes stuff goes the way we didn’t want it to go. Look out for others who want to step up and make friends. Find people who you can share with when things go wrong.
Pretty much everyone who doesn’t step up falls at the same hurdle. Something goes wrong. Their mind tells them that they just can’t do it. They give up. Okay, something goes wrong. Maybe you can’t move forwards right now. But that doesn’t mean you need to give up. Do you still want to do this thing? Then take the time you need to regain your energy and resilience, plan a new way forwards and continue.
You keep going. You get there.